Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Enough crumbs to feed a .......

If you are reading this, then chances are that you are the proud owner of a fracture in the space-time continuum.
It exists in a very specific place. It's in your car. More specifically, it's in that space between your child's seat/booster and the underlying car seat.
Graco Nautilus 3-in-1 Car Seat, Matrix
Apparently this vortex exudes the power to engulf solid matter from the local surroundings, serving a function akin to the Death Star's tractor beam crossed with a black hole. Cookie crumbs, crayons, half-sucked fruit sticks, small brightly colored books, you name it, they can all end as victims of this pit of despair. There to remain, entombed for perpetuity.

Unless, of course, you are foolish enough to remove the said transportation security device.  ***Dad U highly recommends against such a course of action*** However, if you do sense a need to unearth enough crumbs to feed a provincial city, you'd be best to heed the advice of someone who has experienced the discovery of the "Child Seat Cache" (CSC) many times over. The first guideline for emptying the CSC is:

  • Just don't do it. There is nothing to see there, move along. This is not the cache you are looking for (waves hand dismissively). Seriously....
If you ARE going to proceed, then:
  • Be prepared. Do not expose the CSC without immediate access to a vacuum cleaner powerful enough to lift a bowling ball (which is apparently the standard measurement of vacuum cleaner proficiency). Ensure that the vacuum bag is totally empty before you start. Empty it as many times as necessary during the session to avoid motor burn out. 
  • Be intentional. There is nothing worse than accidental discovery of the CSC. If this does happen, it will in all likelihood be in a totally inconvenient time and place. Your recovery strategy should be "speed and stealth". Remember: you didn't see anything, in fact, you don't recall that the restraining device was actually ever shifted from it current SECURE and SAFE position, where it is correctly installed according to all local, state and federal requirements. 
  • While most items in the CSC will be desiccated, or perhaps even petrified, occasional items will have retained just enough moisture to support an entire fungal ecosystem. Dad U recommends donning full biosafety decon equipment for these situations. That and a bomb disposal robot.
The History Channel : Military Robots : Bomb Disposal Robots , Unmanned Aerial Vehicles , Armed Robots : The Use of Robots in Warfare
Eventually, children outgrow their restraint devices, and the space-time fissure implodes due to lack of source material. You are then left with a different issue: not how a seemingly infinite amount of food matter can collect in a finite space, but how an ever-expanding array of sports bags, folding chairs, coolers, collapsible tents, soccer balls, clipboards etc can be packed-unloaded-repacked-unloaded in a non-expanding swaggerwagon. 

Dad U

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