Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Navel Gazing

I've been strangely disconnected from the blog for the last week and I can't really place why. Part of the equation is all the time that a rebuild of the front porch/stairs is soaking up. The kids Fall soccer has started, so that has also wiped out consecutive Saturdays, and work has had its share of crazy-busy sessions. But it's more than that. 

I've been preoccupied with a thought. 

The thought first occurred to me 14 years ago. It's a work/career thought, and not particularly interesting to the uninitiated. But it's kept me up at night often over the intervening years, leaving me staring at the ceiling and grinding the mental gears. The thought has progressively grown, retreated to the shadows, re-emerged, morphed, matured and solidified. I have no idea if this thought is going anywhere anytime soon, but it's pretty clear the only place it's not going is AWAY. This thought is, potentially, the pivot on which my entire life's purpose could rotate. But if the thought were to move from theory to reality, it would create short-term havoc in my family. I'm talking weeping and gnashing of teeth-quality disruption. The thought is causing me to re-evaluate all of my short-term goals. What do I focus on at work? What are the priorities around the house? What events do I attend (or let slip by)? How much family time do I sacrifice short-term, for long-term benefit? When should I play safe, or (gulp), finally step to the edge of the nest, unfurl the wings, and.......jump?

For me, the thought is the classic "big-dream", the type you were supposed to have in your teens about saving the world, complete with rainbows and butterflies. But reality says this thought might bring a whole lot of uncertainty, instability and a literal mountain of effort before any payoff. Yet, there has always been something different about this thought. It's almost a directive, something I've got to try, succeed or fail.

The funny thing is, with respect to my family, the thought is all about the long-term: Is it the right thing? Will my wife have the environment she needs to keep doing the great job she does? What do I want my kids to experience in life? What opportunities do I want to be able to present to them? What kind of legacy will I will leave them? What is God doing? Why? Why now? 

How can I face doubt and fear with confidence of making the right decision if the thought plays out over the next couple of years (I've been waiting since 1996, what's a few more)? 
I've got plenty of questions. Fortunately, I've also got some answers. 
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Stay tuned......
Dad U

1 comment:

  1. Great. How am I supposed to get any sleep tonight now?!?

    Just kidding. Not that I'm not often rendered immobile with many of these same questions. That part? I'm right there with you.