Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ban Santa! (well, I mean, simplify and enjoy Christmas)

I wrote this a couple of years back, after suffering through a Baby Jesusphoto © 2006 Richard January | more info (via: Wylio)
particularly brutal onslaught of Christmas commercialization. I mean, taking the joyous birth of a baby, who was God, and replacing it with a fabricated warm and fuzzy fat guy? I guess I was just out looking for others who love celebrating the real meaning of Christmas while minimizing
 the influence of shrink-wrapped credit-card purchased consumer “JOY”. I don't have anything against the large dude in particular, I just got very tired of having it all in my face. Before you "bah humbug" me, I should elaborate that we decided to take specific steps to simplify and enjoy Christmas. We gave fewer presents, but more that were actually needed. We invited others into our home on Christmas Eve, to read the Christmas story from Luke 2 by candle light. We sent extra support to our sponsored children overseas, and the kids packed and sent shoeboxes as part of Operation Christmas Child. We took great enjoyment in gifting income and livelihood to the impoverished through Heifer International. On Christmas morning we unwrapped presents slowly, one-by-one, drawing out the process and soaking up the fun.
We had a GREAT Christmas.
So when I suggest the following, remember that it was written part tongue-in-cheek, and part to prod my kids to "treasure up and ponder in their heart" the meaning of the season.
Happy Christmas!
Dad U


(not recommended for households with children under 5).

The fat dude is a fabrication by commercial interests solely designed to get you to buy their stuff.

Implementing a Santa Ban.
Step 1.
Prohibit access. Santa supposedly uses standard tactical procedures for entering your home: landing his sleigh on your roof, then a rapid insertion/extraction via the chimney. To prevent a breach, adopt a defensive posture using one of the following strategies.
(A) Prevent landing.
-Drape camouflage netting over your entire house.
-install AAA and SAM sites.

Or (for the passive-aggressive inclined)
-Attach Christmas lights to your roof to spell out a giant “NO”.
-Use Christmas lights to mark a decoy landing pad on top of a covered swimming pool.

(B) Prevent chimney access.
-Install pigeon spikes, but much, much, larger.
-Build and maintain a large fire in the fireplace
-A pot of boiling water in the fireplace is helpful for general chimney security.

Step 2. Vigilance. Santa is very persistent in seeking entry to your home, even up to ONE MONTH BEFORE Christmas, and is proficient at flanking maneuvers to avoid static Maginot-line defenses. Particular infiltration points include your TV, Radio, “Christmas” CD’s, Letterbox, last years coffee mug gift, tree ornaments, and if you live in an apartment without a chimney, the elevator. Extremely thorough procedures and regular security sweeps of your home are advised if you attempt to Ban Santa. Unfortunately, despite NORAD's claim to be able to live track his sleigh, no Santa detection devices are currently available.

Step 3. Target Santa’s accomplices: Multinational Corporations and Advertising Executives. The “off” and “mute” buttons on your TV remote renders many of their ploys ineffective. It is likely that 95% of your daily mail can be deposited directly into your recycling bin. If you live in the US, do not, under any circumstances, turn on your radio in the month of December.
Elves: these guys are actually paid and are therefore complicit and need to be incorporated in the ban.

Grey areas. Snowmen: not officially Santa’s helpers and often just signify the Winter season. Only an extremely rare issue in the Southern Hemisphere in December.
Reindeer: besides Rudolph, who is clearly an instigator and major Santa collaborator, it is not clear if other reindeer are actual willing participants. Using such criteria, generic reindeer with black noses are acceptable. 

1 comment:

  1. I am glad I am not Santa coming to your house. (Ha ha)


    Found you through twitter: @claylauren2001